Not just a year of 'firsts'

Winners: Ubi Kim & Abby Kuhlman

We hit another milestone.....we awarded the first (actually, the first two) $1,000 Ian Hassett Memorial Art Scholarship on Thursday night at Senior Awards Night at Righetti High School.  We had a total of six very talented students apply for the scholarship and it was just too hard to pick just one winner so we picked TWO!  We can't do this every year but we were feeling generous and just happy that we had applicants to chose from.  It was a nice evening and I think we were the only presenters (those present to give out their scholarship), along with a small group of parents,  to stick it out for the entire ceremony.  When, did we as a community, start leaving ceremonies just because our kid had gotten their award?  I guess I've reached the age where that seems rude to me.  Don't the kids who have to wait till the bitter end to pick up their award/scholarship deserve just as much encouragement and praise as those that get theirs at the beginning of the ceremony?  I hated the idea of a student, going up to the stage to receive the scholarship that they worked hard for, and looking out to a room full of empty chairs, so we stayed.

Eric & I were not alone in honoring a child that we had lost; there were several memorial scholarships presented at Righetti that night.  There was a dad who lost his son a decade ago - his wife and young daughter were there so you could imagine how his life had gone on and progressed.  He gave out multiple smaller scholarships and part of his remembrance included a dinner that all the winners were invited to at a later date......I wonder how many go?  Another was presented by the friend of a man who graduated in the 1980's and died last year.  It gave me hope that some of Ian's friends will remember him years and perhaps even decades from now.  The last was a very elderly couple who has been giving out a scholarship for their daughter for decades. They were so cute.  They come every year, faithfully....will that be Eric & I?

This has also left us with a slight feeling of......."now what?".   But maybe the timing is good as we begin the mental countdown for our next big milestone - the first anniversary of Ian's death.  I've been told, by those you know, that the days leading up to that day will be tougher than the actual day......so far, that is proving to be true. It's hard not to remember what was happening a year ago on any given day or moment.  These days are full of 'lasts', the last hug, the last 'I love you', the last time I heard his voice.  There is a yearning to gather up all these 'lasts' together, to surround myself with all things Ian - his art, his pictures, his clothes and my memories of him.....all of them, good or bad.  I want to remember all those 'lasts' but the moments surrounding them were painful and heartbreaking.  A year ago today our friend Sandy came into Ian's hospital room and quietly pulled me aside and mentioned that she had gone over the results of Ian's latest scan.  She made a comment that Eric & I might want to go down to Radiology and take a look at them; I could tell by the look on her face it was more than just a passing comment.  Eric & I accompanied Sandy down to Radiology and she was with us as Dr. Sonnabend went over the scans.  The scans were meant to take a look at the mass in Ian's lungs but also gave the doctors a look at his liver - that was the shocking part.  His liver was scattered with small masses of cancer.  At first I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing but then the tears started to flow as the doctor explained that what we were seeing was cancer......everywhere in his liver.  We withheld that information from Ian until Dr. DiCarlo had a chance to look at the scans and talk to us all tomorrow - together as a family.  That was the last night we would have before we prepared to say good-bye to Ian.
So it's not just a year of 'firsts' but 'lasts' as well.