The End

I think it's time to wrap this thing up.  I saw this on FB a few days ago and it got me thinking - why am I doing this?  I started this blog for a couple of reasons;

1. for those folks who had been following along with our family's Caring Bridge site as Ian fought his cancer. I didn't want his death to be the end of the story because whether we want it to or not, when we lose someone we love, life goes on.
2. I had been encouraged to publish Ian's Caring Bridge (it was also something Ian wanted me to try and accomplish) and the publisher who showed some interest encouraged me to continue writing to see where this journey would take me.
3. Most of the Christian books I read about grieving after Ian's death were discouraging and unhelpful.  It seemed that most of the authors wanted to put a 'good face' on death and make grieving somehow easy.  It made me feel like if I was a good Christian, I could say "God is sovereign" and move on and that was not my experience.
4. I felt like our society, as a whole, doesn't do death well.  We don't know what to say, we don't know what to do, we don't want to look at someone in the midst of sorrow; we want to sweep it under the rug and not look at the dirt it leaves behind.  

For me, I've found that the most difficult part of this journey has been the spiritual aspect of it.  Defining who God is for me personally and where He's been in this whole process has taken up most of my thoughts and energy.  But it's caused me to do a lot of reading and studying and soul searching; and that's never a bad thing.

Someone asked me recently if this whole process has brought me closer to God.  I had to honestly tell them, "no, not so much".  I spent most of my time clawing through theology that made this whole thing so much harder than it already was.  I listened to well-meaning Christians, people that I love and admire, tell me that Ian was going to hell because he had questions about who God really was; that Ian's earlier confession of faith as a young teenager wasn't enough.  That God, in His sovereignty, caused Ian's illness and death. I think there's a distinction between a God who allows us to be tempted and go through trials and a God who causes those trials.

So, after a little over two years of missing Ian, what are some conclusions I've come to?

• That God exists
• That His love for me hasn't faltered, even if I have
• That I believe in the God of John 3:16, 1 Timothy 4:10 & Matthew 18:14
• That when the dogma of any theology becomes more important than the message of God's love, then there's a problem
• That grief demands an answer but sometimes there isn't one
• That God had a plan for Ian's life, and ultimately, that plan was what was best for Ian (it sucked for us, but it was best for Ian)
• That God can turn trials into blessings
• That I will miss Ian every day for the rest of my life

Ian's death has sent me down a path I could never have imaged; who would have thought that I would be involved in art (me - the stick figure queen)?  Or start a Foundation?  This is something I never even thought I would do, but for Ian and his memory, I will gladly continue to follow this path until God shuts the door.  For those of you who have followed along with me while I fumble my way through this - thank you!  Your support and kindness have made this a little more bearable.

I've realized over the past several months, that I don't have a whole lot more to say about this process.  I have no words of wisdom, only the knowledge that this will be a lifelong journey; so it's time to shut up.