Saying good-bye again....

The first two weeks of June are a busy time for the Hassett clan, full of birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day, cake, walks down memory lane and the still, small sadness of good-byes.  I find myself going over the last days of Ian's life that I recorded in this blog....am I torturing myself or trying to remember the moments that kept us going rather than those that tore our hearts out?  All of us gathering whatever we could to sleep on in the living room, surrounding Ian and just finding comfort in being together.  Mozart playing in the background.  Ian, in his drug induced haze telling us that it was hard to touch George Clooney's face (still don't know where that came from).  Pushing away memories of him choking and unable to breath.  The stress of arguing with others who didn't understand his need/desire to die on his terms and my fierce determination to make sure I kept my promise that his wishes would be followed - my last act as Mama Bear. Hating the memory of having to push that damned button for his pain pump every hour so he could die peacefully knowing that each time I did, it brought him just a little closer to death.

Throughout my life, God has given me small gifts that held enormous power; moments that helped cement my belief in Him and hope for the future.  It happened after my divorce from my first husband; at a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again but was willing to take that chance in order to leave an abusive marriage.  A vivid dream of a kind man, tall with dark hair but whose face was obscured who would later turn out to be my husband, Eric.  It happened again after Alex's heart condition was diagnosed and the night before his first surgery to increase his oxygen level.  God spoke to me with a promise that He had already prepared Alex for everything that was ahead of him....those words of comfort have carried me for years, decades now; I had no idea what lay ahead of us with Alex - God did A LOT of preparing with Alex! The last time it happened was just a few days before Ian died when he awoke from his haze of sedation to tell us that Michael was showing him the most magnificent things and that he had to get back to Michael.  I remember his astonished voice asking, "What?  Is this place for real?" before Amy & I sent him off in search of Michael. That was my last conversation with Ian.  Those few moments reminded me that God never gives up on us.  He never stops reaching out to us, even when we can't communicate to the people around us. Thank you God for giving us that gift, for letting us see your love for our son, for sending Michael to show Ian the wonders of heaven that awaited him, for giving me hope that I'll see my boy again.