Saying good-bye again....

The first two weeks of June are a busy time for the Hassett clan, full of birthdays, anniversaries, Father's Day, cake, walks down memory lane and the still, small sadness of good-byes.  I find myself going over the last days of Ian's life that I recorded in this blog....am I torturing myself or trying to remember the moments that kept us going rather than those that tore our hearts out?  All of us gathering whatever we could to sleep on in the living room, surrounding Ian and just finding comfort in being together.  Mozart playing in the background.  Ian, in his drug induced haze telling us that it was hard to touch George Clooney's face (still don't know where that came from).  Pushing away memories of him choking and unable to breath.  The stress of arguing with others who didn't understand his need/desire to die on his terms and my fierce determination to make sure I kept my promise that his wishes would be followed - my last act as Mama Bear. Hating the memory of having to push that damned button for his pain pump every hour so he could die peacefully knowing that each time I did, it brought him just a little closer to death.

Throughout my life, God has given me small gifts that held enormous power; moments that helped cement my belief in Him and hope for the future.  It happened after my divorce from my first husband; at a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again but was willing to take that chance in order to leave an abusive marriage.  A vivid dream of a kind man, tall with dark hair but whose face was obscured who would later turn out to be my husband, Eric.  It happened again after Alex's heart condition was diagnosed and the night before his first surgery to increase his oxygen level.  God spoke to me with a promise that He had already prepared Alex for everything that was ahead of him....those words of comfort have carried me for years, decades now; I had no idea what lay ahead of us with Alex - God did A LOT of preparing with Alex! The last time it happened was just a few days before Ian died when he awoke from his haze of sedation to tell us that Michael was showing him the most magnificent things and that he had to get back to Michael.  I remember his astonished voice asking, "What?  Is this place for real?" before Amy & I sent him off in search of Michael. That was my last conversation with Ian.  Those few moments reminded me that God never gives up on us.  He never stops reaching out to us, even when we can't communicate to the people around us. Thank you God for giving us that gift, for letting us see your love for our son, for sending Michael to show Ian the wonders of heaven that awaited him, for giving me hope that I'll see my boy again.

7 years too late...

It's award season around here, one of our favorite times of the year.  We gave away $1,750 in awards last night to two deserving, talented artists.  It was Eric's turn to address the crowd which always includes a little bit of info on the Foundation and Ian.  Eric was doing great, then he reached the part about Ian "dying in 2012 at the age of 19 from cancer".  I heard the catch in voice, I don't know if anyone in the audience did, but I did.  He recovered quickly but later we talked about how the loss of Ian will hit us at the most unexpected times and last night was one of those.  It's funny how such a short little sentence can stop us in our tracks and our eyes well-up and that familiar pain in our heart is back.

Eric Hassett, Stefanie Hassett, Chloe Sheley, & Arianna Vauclin

The years are flying by but some milestones still have the power to cripple me.  I don't mentally mark the 13th of every month like I used to.  As we creep up on the anniversary of the day Ian died I used to say to myself, "6 months from now he was gone, 3 months from now.....".  I don't inwardly steel myself for the anniversary months ahead of time, this year, primarily because we were so busy with Alex's own battle with cancer but today is different. On this day, Ian was in the hospital for the last time 6 years ago.....the day the doctor told us our fight was over is just around the corner....then our last days with Ian at home.  When we talk about Ian graduating from Righetti in 2010 that sounds like such a long time ago and it's hard to believe he's been gone 6 years.  Probably because we surround ourselves with him every day; his pictures, his art, his clothes that still hang in the closet, his mission to encourage other artists....all these things bring us comfort and sweet remembrances of him.  But I know that in the not-to-distant future, he'll be gone longer than he was alive and for some reason that breaks my heart.

To be honest, this whole crying fest started with Trump.  When I saw him sign the 'Right To Try' Bill my first thought was, 'Finally.....it's just 7 years too late'.  Too late for my boy who needed the right to try any drug that we thought might help.  Too late to save his life.  So like most of America, I will blame Trump but with that I say, 'Thank you'.