The Betrayal Barrier

I dreamed of Ian last night for the first time since he died.  He was about 10 and in his 'chubby' phase.  I looked like Pam Dawber (which isn't a bad thing) but it was me.  I don't remember exactly what the dream was about but I know it wasn't sad and I was with Ian and I woke up thankful.

I also saw two red robins one day this week.....I haven't seen one since a few weeks after Ian died.  I've never seen two together - I don't what, if any, significance that has but it made me smile.

I've done quite a bit of reading.  I've always been a reader, I love the escape it provides but lately I'm looking for hope, for answers, for some kind of direction on how to navigate this thing called 'grief'.  I've read books by other christian parents who have lost a child, hoping they can help me figure out how to do this. But so far, most of them have just pissed me off.  They say things like "we released our son to heaven", "we rejoiced knowing that our son/daughter is in heaven" (don't get me wrong, it brings me great comfort believing that Ian is in heaven and I will one day see him again, but I don't know how to rejoice in that).  They seem so accepting of losing their child; I let Ian go kicking and screaming - I hated losing him.  They seem to be chastising parents who ask 'why', they advise you to immediately let go of your pain ("Let go and let God"), that it's wrong/sinful to be angry.  I know they think they are helping but they are actually making the process worse.  They make me wonder if I am somehow totally screwing this up, if I am completely flunking this trial that God has placed in our path.  And maybe I am, maybe I'm a failure because I have done all those things. I start to wonder if I am the only christian asking these questions, wondering why losing my son is seemingly so much harder for me than for these other parents.  I don't want to fail, I don't want to disappoint my friends, my family but mostly I don't want to disappoint God.  But I also want to be honest about this process.  I want other parents who have to endure this to know that it's OK to question, it's okay to dissect everything you believe, it's OK to feel more pain than you know what to do with and God is strong enough, big enough to handle all those emotions. I want to know all the nitty-gritty details on how to navigate this and I think they're only telling me the end result.....I want to know how to get there.

I ask for answers knowing that I will probably never know 'why' this side of heaven, I have even gotten angry at God.  I thought I could avoid the anger, I thought I could suppress it, avoid it but I couldn't.  I have questioned God's role in this - I've wondered why save Alex over and over and over again yet not save Ian?  Why give us a life that prepared us to lose Alex then suddenly and surprising take Ian?  To my simple mind, these things don't make sense.  Do I still believe that there is a bigger picture that I can't see - absolutely.  Do I believe that this is still, somehow, the best plan for our lives; not just for me or my family but also for Ian - yes.  Does that mean I don't still wonder why?  Of course I do and I believe God is big enough to handle those questions.

I'm also seeing the role that guilt plays in grief.  Guilt caused by laughing, feeling happy, enjoying a weekend away with my husband......you name it, I feel guilty about it.  It seems somehow disloyal to Ian to go on with my life; my life should stop just like his did but it doesn't, does it?

James Dobson, in his book, "When God Doesn't Make Sense" talks about the "betrayal barrier."  The betrayal barrier begins with extreme disappointment after we have relied on God to look after us.  We feel that God has betrayed us; even if we know He hasn't, the disappointment can be overwhelming. This is what R.T. Kendell wrote in the Forward of this book about Abraham in talking about God's instruction to sacrifice Isaac, "Sometimes God does not bring us to our greatest testing until we are advanced in years. One might think that Abraham, well over one hundred years old," (believe me, some days I feel that old), " had paid his dues and would surely be spared further suffering and challenges.  But God has still more for Abraham to inherit.  On God's agenda was an invitation for Abraham to break the betrayal barrier.  There came to Abraham what would apparently be the most unfair, unjust, and unreasonable command God ever gave to a believer......those who persist in faith are those who break the betrayal barrier and inherit richness so wonderful that words cannot describe it."  This resonated with me.  I often joked that our family had been through enough with all of Alex's life and death issues and we surely deserved a break but I was wrong.  My goal now is to break through this 'betrayal barrier'.  I don't know how exactly to do that or how long it will take but the only thing I know to do, is to persist.

Wow, that was overwhelming.

What a night......not what we were expecting.  Tonight was the Santa Maria Arts Council Grants Showcase, the award that Ian won in 2011.  Eric & I had bought tickets weeks ago just because we wanted to see the artist's work that won this years awards.  Over the course of the last several weeks, we were asked to donate a reproduction of one of Ian's pieces for the Arts Council silent auction (that was a no-brainer, we were thrilled).  Then the whole process of coming under their umbrella and establishing the Ian Hassett Memorial Arts Grant evolved and they wanted to mention the formation of the Grant for next year's award show so we were told they may just mention us quickly and ask us to stand for a moment.

Ian's college teacher, Marti, took the stage, we stood as directed, then she went on to speak so eloquently and lovingly about Ian - we couldn't help but cry (and I put on full eye makeup for this thing too - dang it).  It was overwhelming.  Then they drew the winning ticket for Ian's drawing and the lady was thrilled.  She told me later that she was standing next to Marti at the table looking at all the auction items and when she saw Ian's it "took her breath away".  When she saw the title for the piece was 'Breath', she put all her tickets into his bag because she just knew she would be going home with his art.  She just happened to be the founder for Hats for Hope which raises money for women undergoing cancer treatments - so it came full circle.

So, we are now a part of the Santa Maria Arts Council and what a lovely group of people.  I feel Ian nudging us into a direction we wouldn't have expected and one I don't mind at all.

Busyness helps

It's been a while since I last posted anything, almost a month. We've been busy....busy is good, busy is a distraction, busy is therapy, busy keeps your mind off the pain, busy gives you purpose.  Part of that 'busyness' has been preparing for Ian's one-man art show at the local community college that is open for most of the month of May.  We've also been busy with other trials that have come our way....life is messy and never smooth it seems.  I've written down lots of thoughts, notes, a letter to God (not that He needed a letter but I needed to write it)....but for now they are tucked away in my computer waiting for my mind, my soul to sort them all out.

Last night was the reception for Ian's art show and it was a really good night.  Eric & I talked about it afterwards and we were both happy the entire evening.....it was like a wonderful vacation and we didn't want it to end.  Between 200-300 people came to the reception to see the opening of Ian's show; a lot of familiar faces and some we had never seen before.  We didn't get a chance to greet everyone but I hope they felt how glad we were to have them join us to celebrate Ian's work.  We think the reception matched Ian's personality - he loved to be with his friends and just visit, hang out, talk about

stuff and that's what last night felt like....hanging out with friends, talking about stuff (mostly Ian and his art obviously - duh!) but it was a happy place to be and that's what we wanted.  We didn't want it to be sad or morose; we wanted to celebrate Ian's talent.  I was surprised at how long some people stayed - I saw them enter and walk around the exhibit then 30 minutes later I would see them walking around again...looking at something they had missed the first time...it was awesome.  I got to hear other artists talking about Ian's technique and how he shaded this or feathered that and the depth of his drawing (I have almost no idea what they're talking about but they do and I love to listen to them).  We don't want cancer to be Ian's life story.....he was so much more than the cancer that killed him.

We got to see Ian's friends again, which we loved....he had such wonderful friends!  I told Eric that I feel better about Ian's legacy because I believe that after I am gone, his close friends will still remember him.  They will remember the impact he had on their lives and somehow that helps in the healing.

Today, Eric & I met with Ian's therapist, Dr. Lussier.  She told us that her way of remembering Ian was every Friday at 1pm she has her phone set to play harp music.....that too, helps in the healing.  She shared with us that Ian had told her how he felt he had grown closer to us during his cancer, how he relied on us and knew how much we loved him.......that was priceless.

We've also been busy planning Amy's wedding; the day she goes from being a Hassett to a Smith.  Next week almost the entire family will travel down to Orange County to watch her graduate, with honors...what a wonderful, thoughtful, funny young woman she has grown into.

Ian's scholarship fund and upcoming fundraiser have also kept us busy.  We've viewed all the scholarship applications, marveled at the talent of these students and finally decided on a winner of the $1,000 which will be announced on May 30th at the Righetti Senior Awards Night.  It's happened quickly and unexpectedly, but we've also expanded and established the Ian Hassett Memorial Art Grant under the umbrella of the Santa Maria Arts Council.  That will allow us to expand our base of applicants and continue to encourage young adults outside of high school to pursue a career in the arts.  His fundraiser is also starting to take shape.  We've decided on an October date; that seemed an appropriate way to celebrate his birthday every year.....it's won't be a birthday party, but it will be a party.

All this busyness is good.  It's helps me slowly digest the questions that still linger, the anger that is ebbing, the sadness that is still very much present.  Busyness helps.