I don't know how it's possible for it to feel like forever and yesterday at the same time, but that's what yesterday felt like. It seems you've been gone forever but I can remember every detail of the day you died like it was yesterday. At any given moment of the day, I could tell you what I was doing, how I was feeling.
But we lived through the day; it, like your death, didn't kill us. I miss you every minute of every day.
A year has gone by and I have no more answers now than I did then. Have things gotten easier? A little. Doing things that give your life significance helps. Planning Amy's wedding gives us joy and empties our pockets at the same time, but it's worth every cent. Doing all the legal work of forming the "Ian M Hassett Foundation" helps, so does planning our first fundraiser in October ~ I hope you'll think that's an appropriate way to honor your birthday.
Friends tell me to 'lean of Jesus' but I don't know how to do that. How do I lean on someone who is the author of all this pain? There is a wall of pain between God & I that I don't have the energy to climb or breakdown. I can recognize small bits of mercy every once in a while but they aren't enough to diminish the loss of Ian. I wish I could say things are fine, that I have peace about Ian's passing but maybe it's too soon for those things. My hope is that one day peace will come.
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