Another milestone.....Ian's headstone was installed on Friday....... and it's perfect. Understated, classic, simple and we think Ian would have approved. I don't speak for Eric, partly because it's not my place; everyone's grief is personal and uniquely theirs but we both feel Ian's loss so strongly lately, especially the last few weeks. I'm not sure why missing him as become so intense; maybe because we're creeping up on one year since he died or maybe because on some level, we are subconsciously thinking back to where we were one year ago. It wasn't a pretty place and now we know the outcome. There are still questions with no answers. Trials continue to come with no relief; those who know us well, know that God has not given us a divine reprieve from the pain of life so we can lick our wounds and try to heal.
Many of you have heard of the 5 Stages of Grief, which, by the way, didn't start out pertaining to grief. They were developed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 for terminally ill people and the process they go through upon learning that they would soon die - so really, these stages were for someone like Ian. Just thought I'd throw that in.I have discovered two additional stages. There's the 'Idiot Stage' and the 'Cruisin' Stage'. I'm an overachiever and am currently busy in both stages. I found it amazing the physical effects grief has on your brain - more damaging physiologically than withdrawing from heroin, which has left me with approximately 4 brain cells. So if I forget something, if I seem scattered, if I can't add 2 + 2; have patience; those 4 cells are exhausted and they are regenerating slowly.
The Cruisin' Stage is a state of mind more than a feeling; you do what you need to do to get through the day, there are no real highs or lows, your life is just on "cruise control". It's an odd place to be. You want to be happy about things and some days you come so close, but it's never complete.... it's never 'joy' .
I've felt this tremendous need lately to talk to the counselor that met with Ian the last couple of months of his life. She had a very calm air about her and Ian enjoyed his time with her. I don't know what I want to happen from seeing her again. I think I just want to talk to someone who knew Ian. I want to know if there's anything she can tell me about my son that I don't know. I think it's the loss of not seeing him grow as a person that I miss so much - I'll never see his reaction to new situations, or hear his thoughts on some new book or show or piece of art. I guess I'm looking for some way to keep 'discovering' him. Maybe it's time to make a phone call.
