A new journey

I've started a new journey - missing Ian....I don't know where it will lead.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Sometimes, God sends you a nugget.....

After 5 years I've gone through Ian's things.... several times.  His clothes still hang in the closet, his books and art supplies still sit on the shelves. 

I didn't think there were any more nuggets that I could uncover that would reveal something about my son I didn't already know; but sometimes, God sends you a nugget.

We had found a 'book' Ian made in high school called "The First 3,000 lives of Ian M Hassett"; rather ironic, wouldn't you say?  In it, on the inside cover was this page.....
I had no idea who Joshua Rivas was but knew the quote had affected Ian, propelling him forward to keep trying even if he failed.

Yesterday, I was watching a commencements speech by an actor and he quoted Samuel Beckett,
 "Ever tried.  Ever Failed.  No Matter. Try Again.  
  Fail Again.  Fail Better"
It got me thinking.....could this be where Ian got his quote from, just a truncation of Beckett's words?

So, as any self-respecting momma looking for more clues into who her son was, I went Facebook stalking for Joshua Rivas.  I probably shouldn't admit this but I've gotten rather good at this type of thing and found him.  He was living just a short distance away, attending college nearby.  With some trepidation, I messaged him and what-do-you-know?  He messaged me back.

We had a very nice conversation at 1am in the morning cuz isn't that when most college students have conversations?  He wasn't a close friend of Ian's but he remembered him; mostly he remembered "he produced a happy aura around everybody."  That was our Ian, that's how most people remember him; kind and friendly and producing happy auras.  

It turned out, this was a quote Josh put on his MySpace to help him deal with a lack of self-confidence at the time.  I shared with him how something so small, just a quote on his social media page, had had a ripple affect and not just on Ian.  We used this quote on a small plaque that we put on Ian's violin case before we donated it to his music teacher.  She would in turn, loan out Ian's violin to students who couldn't afford to buy or rent one.  That little violin has been in the hands of three students so far and each has seen this quote.  Who knows, maybe it will impact them like it did Ian; maybe it will encourage them to continue to 'fail again, fail better'?

Sometimes it's the small things we do or say that can have the biggest impact on the people around us.

Thanks for the nugget God - it's much appreciated.
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Sunday, May 28, 2017

Some things don't change......

It's been awhile, so long I'm surprised I remembered my log-in.
Our lives are busy, too busy sometimes but some things don't change.  This year has been a little different though; I didn't start looking through my Caring Bridge posts until two days ago.  Before I would feel compelled to read it starting in February or March and the countdown would begin.
It hit me at the beginning of the year that we will be marking 5 years of life without Ian - I don't know why that number is significant.  Maybe because it came so quickly?  Maybe because his clothes still hang in the closet?  Maybe because, on some days, it still feels like yesterday? Maybe because I know some day he'll be gone longer than he was alive?  For whatever reason, 5 is significant but also a little easier.
I knew an old married couple who lost their adult daughter in a horrific car accident.  Every year afterward they would go away, just the two of them around the day she died.  They continued this tradition, even though it meant they would miss celebrating the birthday of one of their grandchildren (they would celebrate either before or after they left).  It was hurtful to their daughter-in-law who couldn't understand why they would continue to mourn their daughter when they had a living, breathing grandchild they could celebrate.  I understand it now.....the grieving doesn't stop; it might change, but it doesn't stop.  You still miss them just as much, maybe more as time passes.  You miss the 'what ifs', the 'where would they be - who would they be' now.  You find yourself reliving those final days, moments, looks, words even if they're painful because they are part of all you have left.  There are no new memories to make so you find yourself reliving the ones you do have; the only thing worse that reliving those painful memories is not remembering at all - and that's not an option.
So for the next couple of weeks I'll be reliving those last looks, those last words, those last images and saying good-bye to Ian all over again.
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