The Betrayal Barrier

I dreamed of Ian last night for the first time since he died.  He was about 10 and in his 'chubby' phase.  I looked like Pam Dawber (which isn't a bad thing) but it was me.  I don't remember exactly what the dream was about but I know it wasn't sad and I was with Ian and I woke up thankful.

I also saw two red robins one day this week.....I haven't seen one since a few weeks after Ian died.  I've never seen two together - I don't what, if any, significance that has but it made me smile.

I've done quite a bit of reading.  I've always been a reader, I love the escape it provides but lately I'm looking for hope, for answers, for some kind of direction on how to navigate this thing called 'grief'.  I've read books by other christian parents who have lost a child, hoping they can help me figure out how to do this. But so far, most of them have just pissed me off.  They say things like "we released our son to heaven", "we rejoiced knowing that our son/daughter is in heaven" (don't get me wrong, it brings me great comfort believing that Ian is in heaven and I will one day see him again, but I don't know how to rejoice in that).  They seem so accepting of losing their child; I let Ian go kicking and screaming - I hated losing him.  They seem to be chastising parents who ask 'why', they advise you to immediately let go of your pain ("Let go and let God"), that it's wrong/sinful to be angry.  I know they think they are helping but they are actually making the process worse.  They make me wonder if I am somehow totally screwing this up, if I am completely flunking this trial that God has placed in our path.  And maybe I am, maybe I'm a failure because I have done all those things. I start to wonder if I am the only christian asking these questions, wondering why losing my son is seemingly so much harder for me than for these other parents.  I don't want to fail, I don't want to disappoint my friends, my family but mostly I don't want to disappoint God.  But I also want to be honest about this process.  I want other parents who have to endure this to know that it's OK to question, it's okay to dissect everything you believe, it's OK to feel more pain than you know what to do with and God is strong enough, big enough to handle all those emotions. I want to know all the nitty-gritty details on how to navigate this and I think they're only telling me the end result.....I want to know how to get there.

I ask for answers knowing that I will probably never know 'why' this side of heaven, I have even gotten angry at God.  I thought I could avoid the anger, I thought I could suppress it, avoid it but I couldn't.  I have questioned God's role in this - I've wondered why save Alex over and over and over again yet not save Ian?  Why give us a life that prepared us to lose Alex then suddenly and surprising take Ian?  To my simple mind, these things don't make sense.  Do I still believe that there is a bigger picture that I can't see - absolutely.  Do I believe that this is still, somehow, the best plan for our lives; not just for me or my family but also for Ian - yes.  Does that mean I don't still wonder why?  Of course I do and I believe God is big enough to handle those questions.

I'm also seeing the role that guilt plays in grief.  Guilt caused by laughing, feeling happy, enjoying a weekend away with my husband......you name it, I feel guilty about it.  It seems somehow disloyal to Ian to go on with my life; my life should stop just like his did but it doesn't, does it?

James Dobson, in his book, "When God Doesn't Make Sense" talks about the "betrayal barrier."  The betrayal barrier begins with extreme disappointment after we have relied on God to look after us.  We feel that God has betrayed us; even if we know He hasn't, the disappointment can be overwhelming. This is what R.T. Kendell wrote in the Forward of this book about Abraham in talking about God's instruction to sacrifice Isaac, "Sometimes God does not bring us to our greatest testing until we are advanced in years. One might think that Abraham, well over one hundred years old," (believe me, some days I feel that old), " had paid his dues and would surely be spared further suffering and challenges.  But God has still more for Abraham to inherit.  On God's agenda was an invitation for Abraham to break the betrayal barrier.  There came to Abraham what would apparently be the most unfair, unjust, and unreasonable command God ever gave to a believer......those who persist in faith are those who break the betrayal barrier and inherit richness so wonderful that words cannot describe it."  This resonated with me.  I often joked that our family had been through enough with all of Alex's life and death issues and we surely deserved a break but I was wrong.  My goal now is to break through this 'betrayal barrier'.  I don't know how exactly to do that or how long it will take but the only thing I know to do, is to persist.