Blueprints

Sunday was helpful.  It helped a lot.  Our church is blessed with a great pastor/preacher and Sunday he talked about suffering, which is right up my alley.  There was one thing he said that really hit home for me.  He talked about the fact that we may never know the 'why' of the things that happen in our lives or those that we love, but one day God will show us the blueprint of our lives.  He will spread it all out before us and show us the 'why' we suffered this hurt or were afflicted with that disease and we will see His wisdom in it all.  We will understand all of it and give Him the glory.  I kept thinking of Ian, wanting to believe so badly in things he couldn't see and finally being able to understand the 'why'; why he had to get cancer, why he had to suffer, why nothing we did worked, why he had to die so young.

Then our pastor gave us four things to remember when we suffer (because won't we all suffer in some form or another in this life?):

1. Tasks - take it one day at a time, one task at a time.
2. Tell - tell people, share with them, don't pull away from people.
3. Take - take notes, journal; remember how you deal with the suffering then pay it forward and help others who are going through the same thing.
4. Trust - keep trusting God.

I've decided to skip the 'anger' part of grieving.  I've been there, done that.  I was mad at God after Alex's cancer and lived there for almost a year; it did me no good and made nothing better.  For me it's distracting from what's important to me...remembering Ian.  In those moments (and they happen often) when missing Ian physically hurts, I chose to believe that God's plan is better than mine.  That Ian has seen the blueprint of his life and understands it, that he is rejoicing in heaven, that he is charming the great-grandmothers he never knew but with whom he shared a birthday and that God's arms are holding me tight when the pain of missing Ian seems too much to bear.