Now what?

Eric & I went to the cemetery after church today...wanted to make sure they had covered Ian up and that his flowers were still there.  They still had the benches around his plot, so we sat for a while and enjoyed the quiet. Then we walked around to get some ideas for his headstone.

We talked in Sunday School about questioning God when we don't understand what He's doing...been there, done that.  Something that Jerel said hit home, if we keep going through the same trials over and over again, is there something we're aren't 'getting' that God is trying to teach us?  This is the third time we've gone through something life-threatening with our kids; Alex's heart transplant then his cancer and know Ian's death from cancer.  I had to start asking myself, is there something I'm not getting?  Have I somehow been the cause of all this? Was there some lesson I should have learned through Alex's cancer that I didn't and it resulted in Ian's cancer?  We had two miracles with Alex, were we out of miracles?  I remember when the doctor told us that we were at the end of the road for any possible treatments for Ian....I walked down the hall of the hospital toward the window asking God, "You're really going to take him, aren't you?  You're really going to take him."  After all the treatments, hope and prayers the last 16 months, Ian was going to die.

Eric tried to reassure me that this is not some punishment for something I/we have/haven't done.  Many people were touched by Alex's story and many more have been touched by Ian's.....somehow what our family has been through will touch people and somehow, God will be glorified.  It's so hard to be comforted by that when the price we pay is the loss of Ian. I miss him every minute of every day....I know that will lesson with time, but I don't know if I want it to.  Somehow, that seems disloyal to Ian.

We've spent the last 16 months busy.  Busy with chemo treatments, radiation, scanning the internet for any sign of hope for a cure.  Then busy caring for Ian, watching over him, helping him, keeping him comfortable, helping him die.  Then finally, busy planning his burial and memorial service.  We're not busy anymore....what now?