Just starting....

On June 13th our journey with Ian ended and a new one began....our life without him.  I don't know where this will take us or how it will change me or my family; I only know that it will.

We made all the arrangements....found a beautiful, serene place to lay Ian to rest.  Someplace that would provide Eric& I with some quiet and solitude when we visit Ian.  We buried him there yesterday, under two large trees near a meadow.  I think he would have liked the ceremony, it was simple but meaningful.  His violin teacher, Lynn Garrett played a lovely baroque piece. It was Ian's only real request, to have her play at his graveside and it was wonderful.  The sound lofting under the trees with only the wind as a background...he would have loved it.

We used a ceramic pot that my brother-in-law Kirk had made as Ian's urn and a piece with a sculptured male nude as part of the lid - I called it the 'butt lid' and it was soooo Ian.  It was very much like a series of drawings he did of nudes and we had to find a way to use it.  We included a couple of things in the vault with his urn; his 'teacup' graduation picture and three coins - a Filipino coin, a Canadian coin and a US coin.  We thought it was a blending of his heritage and in a couple of thousand of years from now, when they dig up this vault, folks will wonder why these coins were buried with this urn.

Eric's mom stood over Ian's urn and spoke some words to him in Tagalog...Ian would have appreciated that.

We left the cemetery and had dinner together, as a family, at wonderful outdoor restaurant in Santa Ynez.   It was a wonderful ending to a very emotional day.

Today, we held his memorial service.  I have to say, it was the best memorial service I've ever attended....I thought it was perfect and reflected who Ian was....but I'm just the mom and completely unbiased.  Our goal was that people would walk away with a better sense of who Ian was and I think we achieved that goal.  There was just the right amount of tears and laughter....it was Ian.

Tomorrow, we start trying to be normal again; although our 'normal' is different now....it's Ianless.  I see his pictures, I watch videos of him playing the piano, I hear his voice but it's almost like his life was a dream.  I remember his hugs, those were real.  I've gotten myself into a routine every night.  I visit Ian's room before I go to bed, smell his hat (because it still smells like him - he would probably hate that, but I do it anyway) then I tell him 'good night' and 'I love you'.  Then, if I'm very quiet, I can hear him tell me "I love you too" just like he did every night for the past 6 months of his life.  I don't know how long I'll do this, I just know I need to do it now.

I don't know what this new journey will look like or how it will change me but I know it has to change me.  You can't lose a child and not be changed.  My hope is that I will remain faithful to the God who has loved me since before the beginning of time, that I will not be an embarrassment to Him and that whatever lay ahead will only make me more dependent on Him to sustain me through the days ahead.