You would think that a trip to Costco would not cause heartache or a visit to the bank wouldn't reduce me to tears. You'd be wrong, The simplest, silliest things make me cry these days. I was doing fine in Costco until I saw the Pub Mix that I would pick up for Ian....he was the only one who liked it, so I don't buy it anymore. I ran into two people I know there (which is a common occurrence in this town - some trips are like a small group meeting at Grace Baptist) but got through hugs and condolences okay, It was the banking that got me. I needed to deposit some more donations into Ian's Wish for his scholarship fund but I also needed to close out Ian's checking account. I had no idea how hard that was going to be. It was just one more act of what feels like, erasing Ian from our lives. I know intellectually that's not what I'm doing but that doesn't change how it feels. Just clearing out Ian's medicines from the pantry broke my heart - I kept thinking, "I'm sorry these didn't work Ian. I'm sorry nothing we did worked."
Ian's art teacher, Autumn, came over to pick up three more of Ian's artwork for the show in
Santa Barbara and I gave her all of Ian's unused supplies.....it was a lot! We pretty much bought him whatever supplies he wanted or needed, especially the last year of this life. He knew he could ask for the moon and we would get it for him, if we could but we didn't mind. If he wanted to milk his having to deal with cancer, we were happy to be milked.
Eric & I thought that one of the best ways to honor Ian would be to continue to try new things. Ian was always interested in experiencing something new. Tomorrow we take off for San Francisco with Alex & Amy for a little family get-away. I'm sure we'll visit places that Ian would have wanted to go, like Golden Gate Park and will be thinking of him and missing him.
Everything, every day reminds me of Ian.
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