It's been awhile since I've written anything and there are two main reasons: one, there hasn't been much to say; grief is a long, tedious road with uneventful days and two, I've been apprehensive to voice some of the conclusions I've come to. I imagine I'll get some flack for some of them, so I've kept them to myself. But I guess I'm feeling stronger in my convictions and ready to put to words what I've determined in my heart to be true for me on my journey of faith. So here goes.....
I had read after Ian died, that grief will shake your beliefs to their very core. You will re-examine everything you thought you believed and that has proven to be true. Losing Ian has made me question and examine everything I believed or thought I believed, but I see that as a good thing. I need to be certain in what I believe and who I think God is and what His role in all this has been.
The one thing I know, without a doubt is that God loves me. He is a God who loves his creation, who knows firsthand the agony of watching our son die and being separated from him, a God who knowing this, sacrificed His son anyway so that I could be a part of His family and spend eternity with Him.
What I have seen, is His constant reassurances that we are not forgotten; even in our grief, in our questions, in our demands for answers that do not come, He is with us.
What I have experienced is the difficulty that some theology has caused. Theology, however well intentioned, is a man made thing. It is our desperate grasp to try and understand or define God; and it can be hurtful. In man's attempt to make sense of God or to try and put scripture into a logical formula we can understand, we sometimes screw it up and we actually make it harder for others to come to God.
For today, for this moment in time, this is what I believe to be true (this is up for reconsideration at any time in the foreseeable future because, as a woman, I claim the right to change my mind) - I think that we (mankind) need to make sense of the world around us. We have an insatiable thirst for knowledge (in itself, not a bad thing). As part of that, we strive to 'know' God but there are things about God and how He runs things that we don't/can't/aren't supposed to understand. Men in particular need to make things logical (cuz lets be honest, every different kind of theology I know of, came from the mind of a man) and in that quest to 'know' God AND make things logical, they try to fit God into an order that makes sense to them and in the process they often mess it up.
What I know, is that when I threw off the theology that made it harder for me trust God, to lean on Him; I was able to loosen my death-grip (no pun intended) on distrust and suspicion and remember the God I had known years ago - one that loves me, one that wants only what's best for me - even if it's hard.
Historically, man has made it harder to worship and adore God. We like to put restraints on how we get to God when He has made it relatively simple. How many times over the course of history has man taken the gospel and twisted it and tried to make it fit into their own sense of right and wrong? Just because we don't fully comprehend how something like predisposition or "free will" or foreknowledge works, doesn't mean those things have to be complex; it just means we aren't suppose to understand them. We feel a need to dig & explore & expand our mind in our quest to understand God; maybe what we need to do be doing is expanding our hearts. Sometimes, it's better to just let some things go (insert Disney song, "Let It Go"). There are aspects of some forms of theology that have made grieving for Ian so very much harder than it already is. There are aspects of some theology that turned a God who loved me and hurt with me to a heartless dictator who only loves some of his creation. In order for my faith to survive I had to reject that view of God. There will be some who will say that I'm just an immature Christian or that I "just don't get it"; think that if you need to. There will be others who mistakenly think they need to persuade me to 'see the light'; what I need to see is God and what He is showing me through this suffering and pain, is His love. I think we diminish His love for His creation when we believe He only sacrificed His son for 'some' and not for all. These conclusions are not based solely on my feelings. They are based on the belief that God's word can not contradict itself and when there are verses that contradict others used to support certain aspects of different theologies, the theology needs to be reexamined and questioned, not the Bible itself.
If you disagree with me, that's fine. I don't need you to agree with me. I was raised believing that Baptists, especially, need to leave room to 'agree to disagree' on matters that aren't a salvation issue. I hope that will be the case here.
I've heard some helpful messages lately, one from Rick Warren (The Answer is Easter) and one from our pastor, Benji Magness (O Love That Just Might Let Me Go).
If you are struggling, as I have been, to understand God's place in the midst of suffering and pain, I think these two message might be of some help. When I hear Rick Warren speak, it resonates so strongly in my soul; he helps make it understandable because he is walking this same road.This time of year is still so extremely hard but even in the midst of it, I see small signs of
reassurance. In our front yard are two Easter Lilies given to use by friends after they dedicated them to Ian's memory in their church last year; are almost in full bloom. Eight of the nine blooms are fully opened and I have a feeling the ninth will be opening on Friday, the day we lost Ian two years ago but also the day Ian entered his own resurrection day. The timing couldn't be better.
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