All roads lead back.....

It seems no matter what I'm thinking about, my thoughts always weave their way back to Ian.  Eric & I signed the papers today to establish a Trust along with Power of Attorneys and Durable Medical Power of Attorney; I'm reading through the medical papers (the usual - don't keep alive on machines, pull the plug, etc.) and my mind went back to when Ian had to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order while he was in the hospital before he died.  I was reading all the stipulations and thinking "these are the things Ian wanted as well" - I start crying at the weirdest times.

Then tonight, I was thinking about a call I got from Dr. DiCarlo about Alex's latest blood test results.  We were talking about sending his notes to our Primary doctor, who we really like and is very thorough and tests for everything.  I thought, I would much rather have a doctor who over-tests than one who overlooks things......leading back to Ian's doctor who didn't ask for a chest x-ray for weeks before he was diagnosed.  I know those couple of weeks probably wouldn't have made any difference but once again, all roads lead back to Ian.....and more crying.  Thankfully, I am blessed with a wonderful husband who understands when I cry at the most inappropriate times.

I thought I had been doing rather well today too, considering it's been 6 months exactly since Ian died.  This morning, I thought "I'm not doing too bad.  Maybe this anniversary won't hit me as hard as others have."  It's an odd feeling, like he died yesterday and ages ago at the same time.  It's just so hard to go through the day missing him so much.