Even Abe understood

I watched Ian's memorial video for the first time.  I don't know if I was trying to torture myself or just wanted to remember all the things that were said that day but it was good to see it.  I remember the day like it was yesterday, but some of the finer details were lost on me that day; jeez, wonder why?

Sometimes I feel like I'm clawing at the air, trying to hang onto Ian; whatever little bit of him is left.  I realized how much worse it would have been if he died at a younger age; my need, my compulsion, to keep him safe, to look out for him would have been overwhelming and my desire to be with him would have been all encompassing.  My dad used to joke that I am a 'lioness' when it comes to my kids.  I will do anything to keep them safe, their welfare and being their protector permeates to my bones and that urge doesn't die, not even when they do.  After we buried Ian, I was glad we decided to have him cremated because I could so easily envision myself tearing into the earth to hold him again, to touch his face, just to reassure myself that he was safe - even if it was in a grave.

We made it through our first Thanksgiving without him - this new normal sucks.  I kept thinking back to previous Thanksgivings when Ian would acquiesce and entertain us on the piano; I will never hear that again and I miss it.  Eric, Amy & I went to see the movie Lincoln today (GREAT movie, by the way) thinking I would escape the constant feeling of loss but even there it surrounded me.  Just before the movie was a commercial for St. Jude's Children's Hospital filled with children battling cancer - I couldn't even bear to look up at the screen.  I have always loved history so I was really looking forward to watching in unfold in front of me.  I had forgotten that even Abe & Mary Lincoln wrestled with the loss of a child - their son, Willie.  I so understood Mary's grief, I understood the freshness of it even years afterwards.  The questions, the 'what if's'....even there I couldn't escape.

Someone very wise shared with Eric his thoughts on our journey through this grief.  When our bodies have suffered a great blow it goes into shock to protect itself - parts of our body will 'shut down' in order to allow itself to heal. He believes the same is true for our spirit; when we have suffered a great loss our spirit goes into a kind of shock.  There are parts of us that goes numb in order to deal with the pain; it doesn't mean that we are less of a Christian but just that our spirits need time to heal......that helped.  Thank you.