Receipt memories

One of the things that doesn't get done when your son is battling cancer is your checkbook or your taxes.  I am now working to rectify that and entering all of our checks/debit receipts for 2011 into our Quicken account.  The unexpected effect of that is seeing receipts from the last 16 months of Ian's life and re-living every one of them.  I'm already up to September 2011 and I came across a receipt from Blick Art Supply ~ we stopped there after our first meeting with Dr. Pinter-Brown at UCLA.  I remember the whole trip in my head and I find myself saving the receipt instead of throwing it away.  Each receipt is a memory - a breakfast before chemo, a dinner out; things we all do everyday and things I'll never do with Ian again.  Who would have thought that balancing your checkbook could be so painful.


So what memories were brought to mind while balancing October 2011???  Ian's white, super-plush throw rug.  He wanted a white rug for his room.  We had torn up the carpet and replaced it with wood flooring  a few months before and he thought a white rug would look really cool in his room.  Never mind that it would get dirty; we got him one.  It must have been 2 inches high and so terribly soft - you should have seen the grin on his face when we brought it home.  Who cares that every time I tried to vacuum it, my vacuum would start overheating and you could smell burning rubber - he loved the rug and it was worth it (it cost almost as much to clean it as it cost to buy it!)

Then, there were the grey suede shoes.  I remember so clearly sitting with him on the couch and him asking if he could get some nice dress shoes.  What am I goin' say?  He looked online for days.  Most of the ones he found were outrageously expensive (the boy had expensive taste) and he would show me all of them - I loved that part.  'Hey mom, what do you think of these?' - how I wish I could hear him say that just one more time.  He finally found some really cool, grey suede, pointy shoes with white soles (what is it with this boy and white?).  So we ordered them last October and they were exactly what he wanted and they looked so modern and cool; they looked like Ian.  He wore them to Hancock one night and told me that he was walking by some girls in the quad when they suddenly stopped their talking while he walked by.  He had gotten a few feet away when he heard one of them whisper, "Did you see those shoes?".  Ian was soooo stoked!

I was actually looking forward to balancing November.  What I saw were lots of receipts for food and drugs; lots and lots of drugs.  December brought better memories - our last Christmas dinner as a family.  Ian and I had sat one night and planned out a family Christmas Day dinner, something new for our family.  We usually did most of our big family celebrations Christmas Eve and had a quiet day with just the five of us at home Christmas day.  I would make a special breakfast for us but the rest of day was spent relaxing.  Ian wanted to do something different that year - he wanted a  big family dinner on Christmas Day; grandparents, uncle Mike and great-aunts Betty & LaVerne too - everybody - so that's what we did.  We tried all new receipes, some turned out great, others not so much but it was wonderful.  I also found the receipt for Holloway's Christmas Tree Farm - the last time we would all be together to pick out a tree.  These were better, bittersweet memories.

Ian at graduation June 2010

This month, the 13th hit me harder for some reason.  I've had a difficult week, needing to take our oldest son, Alex, in to see Dr. DiCarlo for testing because of some high blood cell counts we've recently discovered.  Taking Alex in for a bone marrow biopsy on the 13th, was especially ironic.  Then today, blessings to help heal my soul.  Ian's former art teacher asked if we would consider having a show of  Ian's art at the Foxworthy Gallery next spring - another wonderful remembrance of Ian to look forward to.  Then tonight I got an email from a friend of Ian's; she had found some pictures of Ian and thought we might like them - she was mistaken - we LOVED them.  One of the pictures was of Ian at his high school graduation - this is our only picture of Ian that day.  After the graduates walked off the field, we were supposed to meet with Ian so we could take pictures together as a family but he took off.  He was in his 'I hate my parents' phase and he didn't want to be with us so he left for a friends party instead.  I was so embarrassed, angry and hurt that day - it brought home just how strained things had become between us.  I always regretted that we wouldn't have any pictures of that day with Ian but I can throw those regrets away now - thanks Gabby!

Then Gabby gave me an even more wonderful gift - relating a conversation she had with Ian shortly before he died:

"I also wanted to tell you something Ian said to me and Heather when we visited Ian at your home in June. You had just found the chapstick that he had been looking for and when you left the room he told me and Heather "One of the good things about all of this, is that I got to get really close with my mom." I had been wanting to tell you about that conversation but I really hadn't had the chance to yet."

 What a wonderful way to end the day - thank you Lord for using Gabby to bless my soul.