Ponderings from an untrained mind

This 'trust' thing is hard.  It's easy to trust someone who is leading you down a smooth, level path framed with bright flowers and the proverbial birds are signing.  It's much harder to trust someone who is leading you over a rocky path with twists and turns, where logs continually trip you up; there are no flowers, only small glimpses of color peaking through the gravel and the birds are no where to be seen - all you hear is deafening silence. You wonder what lesson is there to be learned in all this sadness, all this loss? 

Then you start to ask yourself, "If I had learned this lesson (whatever it is) earlier, would my son still be alive?"  All of the trials we've been through before, was I too stubborn to understand what God was trying to teach me?  If I had paid more attention then, would it have saved my son? ~ did my sinfulness somehow cause God to resort to one more trial?  This one so horrendous, so devastating that I had no choice but to pay careful attention to what He was trying to teach me?  If I had been a better Christian, would Ian still be alive?

I spend most of my time trying to make sense out of something senseless.  You want answers but there aren't any.  My mind is at war constantly - how do I fit all the pieces that I have believed and known about God up until now to fit into a picture that is recognizable?  It was always very easy for me to picture God as my loving, heavenly Father because I have such a wonderful example in my own dad.  My dad listened to the rantings of a hormonal 13 year old, he was always ready with a hug and an encouraging word, he was fair but kind and he has never stopped loving me - that's my impression of a father and I envisioned God to be the same kind of father.  But my dad would never purposely do something to hurt me, to cause me so much pain - he would never tear my own son away from me; God did.  Now how do I reconcile the God who would take my son with the God who loved me enough to sacrifice His own son for me?  My mind becomes cloudy trying to formulate the answer.  In the midst of my pondering, God surrounds me with subtle messages - from songs on the radio, from books, from scripture ......all pointing to reminders that He loves me, to cry out to Him in my sorrow, to cling to His promises.  Maybe there are no answers, there is only the journey.