Do's & Don'ts

Right now, I think this part of losing Ian is the hardest.  The missing him is agonizing and the saddness can be overwhelming and at times paralyzing.  Fighting the cancer was a constant emotional 'wild ride' but at least then we had a goal, we had a mission, we had a purpose and we had Ian; I've lost all that.  My goal now is just to get through the day.  Some things make it easier and some things make me think 'really?' as I try to reach my goal. So I thought I would compile a list of, what I hope will be helpful, Do's and Don'ts for what helps someone grieving the loss of a child ~ my own personal observasions so take them with a grain of salt.

Someone loses a child and you don't know what to say - you want to be supportive and helpful and you want to avoid putting your foot in your mouth and possibly making it worse (but really, how much worse can you make it - they've already lost their child; they're already experiencing what will probably be the greatest pain in their lives).

DO share stories of Ian with me - I love to hear them.  Most of them are humorous and may be stories I haven't heard or have forgotten.  Mostly, they help me know that you have not forgotten him and that's the greatest gift you can give me.

DON'T tell me God needed another angel.  I could be mistaken, but I think it's just theologically wrong - angels are created beings just like we are and we don't transform into angels when we die; God already has angels, thinking that God 'needed' another angel doesn't help me.

DO understand that I'm going to cry and I can't help it.  Just be patient with me while I try and regain my composure.  It may have been something you said, but don't feel bad - everything makes me cry.  You don't need to say some magical words to try and comfort me, just a pat on the back is fine.

DON'T talk to me about the 'joy of the Lord'; joy is the last thing I'm feeling right now.  I'm doing good just functioning, joy is not in my DNA right now.  I know it will come later, when the pain has decreased but right now, hearing people tell me I need to experience joy is the same as telling me to climb Mt. Everest.  I am fighting just to find God's peace in all this and that peace is enough for now.


There is a war going on and peace is the prize.  I fight against my own fears and worries trying desperately to trust God in what has happened and where this journey will lead me.  I have silent conversations with God:
     "Why are you doing this?  Haven't we gone thru enough?  Haven't we endured enough?  You've taken my beloved son, isn't that enough?"
     "This is about trusting Me.  I loved you enough to sacrifice my own son for you..... just trust Me"

And when I start to worry and am anxious about my other kids, I think "but I'm not there with them, I have to keep them safe and healthy."  I start to see a pattern - me...me...me.  I'm reminded of my own pride because I hear God respond, "But I am here with them......trust me."

So I will continue to fight this internal battle but always with the help and support of my friends and family and those who love us.  And if you happened to see yourself in any of the "Don'ts" please remember that I know that every word spoken to me has been from a place of love and support and that is how I have taken them.  And Lord knows, I have inserted my foot into my mouth (usually up to my knee) in my inept attempts to 'say the right thing' when I had no idea what to say....we're all in this together and it's a learning curve for all of us.  Thanks for caring enough to make the journey with me.