It's been awhile, so long I'm surprised I remembered my log-in.
Our lives are busy, too busy sometimes but some things don't change. This year has been a little different though; I didn't start looking through my Caring Bridge posts until two days ago. Before I would feel compelled to read it starting in February or March and the countdown would begin.
It hit me at the beginning of the year that we will be marking 5 years of life without Ian - I don't know why that number is significant. Maybe because it came so quickly? Maybe because his clothes still hang in the closet? Maybe because, on some days, it still feels like yesterday? Maybe because I know some day he'll be gone longer than he was alive? For whatever reason, 5 is significant but also a little easier.
I knew an old married couple who lost their adult daughter in a horrific car accident. Every year afterward they would go away, just the two of them around the day she died. They continued this tradition, even though it meant they would miss celebrating the birthday of one of their grandchildren (they would celebrate either before or after they left). It was hurtful to their daughter-in-law who couldn't understand why they would continue to mourn their daughter when they had a living, breathing grandchild they could celebrate. I understand it now.....the grieving doesn't stop; it might change, but it doesn't stop. You still miss them just as much, maybe more as time passes. You miss the 'what ifs', the 'where would they be - who would they be' now. You find yourself reliving those final days, moments, looks, words even if they're painful because they are part of all you have left. There are no new memories to make so you find yourself reliving the ones you do have; the only thing worse that reliving those painful memories is not remembering at all - and that's not an option.
So for the next couple of weeks I'll be reliving those last looks, those last words, those last images and saying good-bye to Ian all over again.
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