One of the things that haunts me is one of the last things Ian wrote in his journal - that God couldn't plan His way out of a paper bag. That arose because of the final prayer request Eric wrote after we found out Ian was terminal. Eric included the phrase 'perfect plan'. That morning in church, it was as if I could hear Ian reassuring me that Eric choice of wording had been correct. That taking him when He did was the perfect plan and now, Ian saw it too.
It doesn't make me miss him less, but it helps.
The holidays have been hard this year. I think last year we were still in shock - we missed him, terribly, but the shock acted as a kind of buffer. I don't know if it's possible, but I think I miss him even more this year. We did Thanksgiving out of town this year which made it different and perhaps easier. We're trying to do more of Christmas than we have the last two years; our hearts aren't in it but we push ahead knowing that it's what we need to do. It just takes incredibly long to decorate when you only do one box at a time (I've accumulated a lot of Christmas boxes over the past 24 years). Tonight was 'ornament' night. Our tradition has been to purchase an ornament for each of the kids and our family every year to commemorate whatever was significant in our lives that year. The plan had always been that the kids would take their ornaments with them when they moved out and on their own (I didn't want their trees to be empty those first few years). Amy has all hers but we still have Alex's & Ian's. Eric & I were doing ok putting them all on the tree until we got to an ornament we had both forgotten about ~ it's a memorial ornament with Ian's picture on it. Around his picture it says "God saw him getting tired, a cure not meant to be so He wrapped His arms around him and whispered 'Come with Me'." That was our undoing, I think it was the shock of seeing it - we knew about the others we would be seeing but this one we forgot about. 
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