One day....

I was walking around at work today and it hit me.....I'm feeling kinda (dare I say it?).....happy.  I haven't felt that way for such a long time, it was weird to realize that's what I was feeling.  I have many things to look forward to: Amy's wedding, Alex is returning to school on Sunday and hopefully will graduate in 3 months, the first fundraiser for Ian's Scholarship Fund is in the planning stages, our anniversary cruise next year and Eric got a really great performance review at work this week (they ranked him in the top 20% of employees) so it looks pretty good that he won't be laid off....that's a lot to be thankful for....and I felt happy.  It's a jolt when you realize it's been over 2 years since you've felt that particular emotion.  For a second, I felt guilty - how can I be happy, Ian is gone; I have no right to be happy.  Then I envision him, with his attitude, getting exasperated with me for berating myself for being happy....Ian would want this; he would hate the sadness he left behind.

Then the fear sets in; living with Ian, loving Ian, seems like a dream and the fear of that dream fading scares me.  I'm afraid that time will muddle my memories of him, I'll forget his smile, his laugh, his hugs, the way he would drive me crazy with his teenage, superior attitude; all the things that made him Ian.  Even though I'm surrounded by the things he left behind I'm afraid of losing the memories the most.

I hit another milestone - I've worn mascara all week with no 'incidents' (I don't count those moments right before I fall asleep; nobody sees me crying, my mascara's not running, so it doesn't count).  It's the small milestones I notice.

I also think I may have hit on something useful.  I have been walking through this 'valley of the shadow of death' (a verse has such a different meaning when you've lived it instead of just reading it) looking for a way out.  I've been struggling with trying to understand God's role in all this but maybe, all I need to do is search out God instead of search for understanding.  Honestly, I'm not at the place where I can praise Him for Ian's death, I'm not even able yet to praise Him for His sovereignty but I can acknowledge His sovereignty; I can acknowledge that this is His plan and I'm responsible for how I respond to it.  Maybe in searching for Him (through scripture, through worship) will lead me to praise.....one day.