Dear Ian

Dear Ian,
This was the first birthday in 20 years I've had without you and I didn't like it.  It hit me the night before my birthday that you wouldn't be there and that thought never left me.  Even though Amy and I kept busy with her wedding plans, your absence was palatable.  We could have used your input when we talked to the caterer - you were a connoisseur of food.  You had such an eye for color and style - we would have loved to get your opinion when we visited the florist.  I can hear you sharing your opinion (whether solicited or not) on every aspect of this wedding; God I wish you were here for this!

Amy has been so sweet, thinking about ways to remember you on her wedding day.  Walking down the aisle to recordings of you playing the piano, a memory table for the loved ones we've lost, even the wedding favors - they'll be sharing your recipe for Ian's lemonade......you will be with us that day, just like you are every day.

I'm learning that you have to keep trudging forward through this grief or you get bogged down in the mire of it.  You were right about the sadness you would leave behind - it never ends.  Some days are better than others but the sadness is always there.  It's not a sharp pain anymore that takes my breath away but it's never ending and it's exhausting; it saps you of energy.  I have had my moments when something so poignantly reminds me of you and I'm able to smile with the memory but it's still not safe to wear mascara.

We took Alex with us for the first time when we had an appointment with our grief counselor and she asked Alex what he missed most about you.  He hesitated for quite a while - you know Alex, he thinks a while before he answers and I'm so glad we didn't interrupt him because his answer was both touching and surprising.  He said he misses your laugh - that was worth waiting for.

I should be able to start working on keeping my promise to turn your Caring Bridge into a book soon - I can't promise that it will get published but I'll do my best sweetie.  I know you wanted me to try and I will.  I can't believe you've been gone seven months already.... I realized today that I'll be visiting your grave for a very long time before I finally get to see you again.  I love you and miss you so very much.

Mom